ALARM BLEEPS VERY LOUDLY
Shh! Shhh! Shhhh!
Not today.
No trips out today.
24-hour lockdown.
Upstairs. Second bedroom.
Get the paper scraped off the walls.
But it's really stuck on.
Then get REALLY stuck in.
CLEGG: I remember Wagstaffe -
didn't want to go to heaven if there was no marmalade.
TRULY: No way was he going to live forever
without a full English breakfast.
BILLY: You have to suspect that heaven's going to be big
on organic and plenty of fibre.
ALVIN: Wagstaffe was looking in the wrong direction if he wanted toast.
DOOR CLOSES
"Today will be hard. Today will be very hard."
Oh, harder than that.
Don't they feed you at home?
Food's always available,
it depends how long I can stop.
Why, what's your hurry?
Sat at the table with the wife and her sister, it's a question of, "How long can you take the flak?"
It's a choice. You either leave hungry or full,
but mentally scarred!
You've always been mentally scarred.
Everybody says so. Particularly your wife and her sister.
Basically I'm misunderstood.
People don't know how to handle a wild, untamed child of the forests
Who likes his butter.
I have to snatch a bite whenever I can.
It's all right for some.
Free and single.
Ah, but look what we miss in warmth and affection.
It's warm all right.
They give me a roasting at least twice a week...
and that's extra.
It doesn't interfere with the daily niggles.
Put your foot down. I did.
Trod on the cat.
Now I'm accused of being cruel.
I love that cat.
It's the only thing I get to kiss goodnight.
Ah, she looks so sad.
I think there's an old sweetheart somewhere she's pining for.
He went off to dig for gold in order to keep her in wrinkled stockings with designer labels.
And if he's like the dozy rest of you, I expect he got lost before he'd gone ten miles.
Lost? I've practically got a built-in compass.
Just like a seagull,
and you've got the legs for it.
Why is today so especially hard, Howard?
Because I'm scraping wallpaper, and I hate the loss of freedom on a beautiful day.
Ah, but the forecast is rain.
But I love the rain.
I've always loved the rain.
Since just this minute you've always loved the rain.
You have a tendency to exaggerate, Howard. Look at Marina.
She's twice what nature intended you for.
I'll go stir crazy.
You've got to get me out for a break, Cleggy. I'VE got to get you out?
Well, not just you.
You can employ help, if you like.
What do you want, the SAS?
Have you got their number?
No, Pearl would go mad.
They're so heavy on people's paintwork.
24 hours.
A full lockdown.
He's been there before.
He feels it's, well, it's like a challenge.
We accept.
Oh, right then.
After a full and frank discussion.
No, he's right. We do like a challenge.
It's not as if we're all so busy doing something else.
I was going to iron a shirt.
Tha's right. We need a challenge.
Breakfast, Barry!
Again?
Another day, another breakfast.
Where do we find the strength to carry on?
One egg or two? Two. And I wouldn't mind some beans.
Why don't we just get a ladder?
Huh, you think Pearl's going to be fooled by a ladder?
You think she's going to be fooled by a plank and trestles?
TRULY LAUGHS There.
That looks too low for Howard to escape by.
Just leave it to Truly.
I don't trust planks.
I'm not going on a plank.
You won't be going on the plank.
You don't think I'd allow you to do anything with an element of danger in it, do you?
That's thoughtful of you.
That's the way I am.
Billy's going on the plank.
He laughs at danger.
I laugh a lot louder with both feet on the floor.
You're right. I'm fearless.
Everybody knows I'm fearless. Well, I've told 'em.
Now! That's not too high.
All right, up you get. What?
Oh! Oh, come on.
Oh! Oooooh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, look!
I think Billy's doing an old English dance he learned in the Greenwood.
I think I've p-p-picked up a splinter.
Ooh! Next time I should try picking it up with your fingers.
If it's where I think it is...
if he wants it removing, he's on his own.
Have you ever tried a dating agency?
I did once. It was all computerised.
I think they sent me a virus.
But was he a GORGEOUS virus?
For gorgeous, you can make allowances.
He wasn't gorgeous.
You've heard of the boy next door?
Oh, that's not bad.
The boy next door.
Unfortunately he looked more like the door.
And you - you must have made mistakes.
Oh, yes. Though not as many as one would like.
OK to bring dog in?
Oh, Mr Entwistle, I shouldn't really, but if it's not for long...
Come on, dog. Come on.
Nice and quiet.
Come on, this way.
Quick! Quick!
Dog, stay!
Dog highly trained.
DOG BARKING ON TAPE
I wonder if Robin Hood knew what he was missing?
Instead of adventures in the Greenwood,
he could have been standing on a plank, filling in little holes.
You've missed one.
What are you,
a hole-filler's assistant?
The eyes and ears of the hole-filling industry?
How long am I supposed to be out here?
Until Pearl sees you.
Let her get a look at what you're doing and she'll see it's all perfectly innocent.
Not to mention inefficient.
I'll clock him in a minute.
Billy, kindly leave me a few holes, eh? It's more "me".
I can't abide all this flash and modern.
Don't fuss. I think you've got flash and modern well under control.
DOOR OPENS
They're here! What? Oh!
I didn't know that Billy Hardcastle was practical.
Well, you'd never mistake him for anything ornamental.
I wonder what he charges?
Do you think he'd be reasonable?
I've never seen any signs of it.
I could do with somebody to look at my conservatory.
The last man who came was a disaster.
He was nearly as slow as if you'd married him.
I know what you mean.
How is your Travis?
He's sulking.
Because he's found out that I'd been going out with Dennis Bradshaw.
You cheeky madam.
When was this?
When I was 16.
He soon catches on, your Travis.
It's only taken him what, 50 years to find out?
He was looking through some old photos. I'd forgotten all about Dennis Bradshaw.
Oh, as exciting as that, was it? Every bit.
So what's upsetting Travis?
I was smiling in the photo.
How long are you planning to stand there, Barry?
Stand where? At the window. Oh!
Am I standing at the window?
What is it? What's on your mind?
Absolutely nothing.
It's blank. Zero.
Clean as a whistle.
Why do people say that? Say what?
Clean as a whistle. They're always full of spit.
Do you mind!
Not in the house after a full breakfast.
Little bubbles. Barry!
It has not escaped my notice that life can be disappointing.
Talk to me.
Tell me what it is.
Don't laugh. I won't laugh.
I'm at the age, Glenda, when men have their midlife crisis.
Oh, Barry! You've got another woman.
I haven't got another woman.
I don't want another woman. I just want...
Don't laugh. I won't laugh. It doesn't feel like a laughing matter.
What is it you're pining for, Barry?
I want a midlife crisis.
How come I never get a midlife crisis?
Come on.
Down. That's it.
Is this the best you can do?
Oh, pardon us, I'm sure.
Were you expecting a chairlift?
Is he worth saving?
If I caught him whilst fishing... I'd throw him back.
I'm not complaining.
Well, somebody is, and it sounded like you.
It's just that there are certain practical difficulties.
And she's downstairs.
So you'd better get a move on.
What am I supposed to do with this plank?
Crawl down it. Slide down it.
Shimmy down it. Only do something.
Slide? It looks a bit rough.
Listen, if tha can tackle Marina...
Keep your voice down.
It's rumours like that get people in trouble.
Get a move on, man.
You're wasting your window of opportunity.
Look at it!
You'd never think he used to be known as the Human Fly.
I was never known as the Human Fly.
And we can see why.
..which made Sir Isaac Newton wonder why the apple fell on his head.
I could have told him that. It was cos he was sitting under an apple tree.
You're right.
He missed that bit.
Nevertheless, it was 200 years before Einstein started knocking holes in Newton's theories.
There's always somebody.
You're right again. You're good at this stuff.
I like to take an intelligent interest in things.
It's the only way.
Otherwise you just get snowed under by the complexity of life as we know it.
I know what you mean.
They keep altering the bus timetables.
There's that.
Do you ever think about infinity?
Not by bus.
I wouldn't fancy it.
Norman Clegg says it goes on forever.
Infinity. Yeah.
Makes you wonder about the afterlife.
Especially when you notice your big toenail's going rusty.
Rusty? Yeah. It's gone brown.
Looks like a small tortoise.
So you're wondering if there is someplace where big toenails don't go rusty? Yeah.
And if it stretches forever, I hope I won't still be pushing a handcart.
You know what the trouble is. The world's in such a hurry these days.
We all have a duty to try to slow life down a bit.
CAR TYRES SCREECH
METAL CLATTERS
Not to worry.
I think we just did.
Hold it steady.
It IS steady.
It's thee that's not steady.
He's not very photogenic from this angle.
He's not very photogenic from any angle.
Just remember...
I'm placing my life in your hands.
You've never had good judgment, Howard.
I once had to judge the best broad beans at a garden fete.
Hey-up!
Oh! Lift it!
There's not everybody knows a good broad bean.
People can spend their entire lives
and still find things to learn about the broad bean.
Howard!
THUD!
But is there an afterlife?
Don't expect a policeman to believe in paradise.
Some police do.
They must be working in an office somewhere.
They're not out here in bandit country.
Ask him what colour his toenails are.
You ask him.
Do I paint my toenails?
Is that what you're asking?
What kind of a question is that to ask a bobby?
This week it's Crimson Blush.
Or was that last week?
He doesn't mean paint.
His big toenail's gone brown.
And it comes to us all.
And when you see this thing changing colour on the end of your foot, you realise it's got a mind of its own.
That's when you start thinking seriously about the mysteries of life.
It isn't easy to believe in the afterlife as a bobby.
The kind of people we meet, you can't believe God would want them for a weekend, never mind eternity.
He's right.
If they came knocking, a God with any sense'd be out.
Anyway, we're not supposed to believe things without evidence.
What about the spirit world?
There was a bloke down our street who used to see his dead dog.
That's it?
That's your evidence...
one dead dog?
Could be significant.
How did he know it was HIS dog?
It was wagging at him.
People know their own dogs. Yeah.
He threw it a crisp, which it ignored.
So he knew then it wasn't really alive.
You learn something every day.
They don't eat crisps in the afterlife.
Maybe it was full.
Did he try and touch it?
A strange dog? Is that wise?
It weren't a strange dog.
If it was wagging when it was dead, it was strange enough for me.
What is it that's troubling you, Barry?
Well, it occurred to me that you'd be the best man to know about midlife crisis.
What have you heard? Heard?
About my midlife crisis.
You've had one, you see.
Everybody's had one but ME.
How did you come by this information?
Has my churchwarden been talking?
Not to me. I don't know him.
I don't wish to be uncharitable.
He's good with the fabric of the building,
but I should warn you, he's not entirely to be relied on as a witness.
Freshen your drink? No. No, thank you, Vicar, I'm fine.
I was under a lot of pressure. I suppose they've told you all the gory details.
I haven't heard a thing. I just wanted your advice. My advice is, keep away from the churchwarden.
I'm fallible. I admit.
I'm a human being.
What do they expect?
What do you expect?
I expect I ought to be going.
Sit down!
You may as well hear the thing from the horse's mouth.
What did he call his dog?
What dog? The dead one.
I don't think he called it anything.
You'd look a right muffin, wouldn't you, calling a dead dog.
He was embarrassed seeing a dead dog.
I don't think he even told his missus.
So how come he told you?
He used to borrow my reading glasses.
Maybe he felt obligated.
Who's going to tell Auntie? ENGINE PURRS
Looks like you need lift.
Put stuff in back. Mind dog.
What dog?
I think you've lost a dog, mate.
No way. Never leaves. Faithful dog. There's nothing in the back.
He does that. Hides.
Blends with background.
Mind the dog!
He's as bad as you are with his dog story.
DOG BARKS ON TAPE
You can't just leave me because you've failed once.
Who failed? It's thee who failed.
We gave thee every opportunity.
To break a leg.
The man goes fearlessly off with Marina.
You'd think he could tackle a plank. Is that where we went wrong, Howard?
We forgot to give it false eyelashes?
Follow a false eyelash anywhere, will Howard.
I never knew they were false.
Where exactly has tha been looking, Howard?
The man's not looking well at all at the moment.
I feel so - deserted.
Like an old building.
Makes you wonder what's been nesting in him.
We'll be back, Howard. We're just going off to plan the next move.
You're going for a drink, aren't you?
You're going to enjoy yourselves.
We shall think of you, Howard.
We'll raise a glass to absent friends.
If you got me out, I wouldn't be an absent friend.
Oh, yes, you would.
You'd be off with Marina.
You're like a heat-seeking missile.
We'll be thinking of you, Howard. OK.
Right. That's the last time you borrow my mouth organ.
And painting's the way a girl can free herself from thoughts of romance?
Oh, yes. It lifts one above that kind of thing.
And here I am painting,
and it's not working.
It takes a little time.
Do we have time?
We're almost past the first flush of youth.
I admire your spirit.
I wish I could deceive myself like that.
Me, too.
But you have to try.
You're right. Do you fancy a drink?
What a good idea.
At least you brought this back in one piece.
Which is more than I can say for this.
In all my life I've never seen a more mangled, bent, twisted wreck
and for once I don't mean you.
I send you out with a perfectly good handcart.
Perfectly good?
It's a bundle of firewood on wheels. It is now.
Look at it. Have you ever seen anything in a more pathetic condition?
It's a splintered, battered, mangled, twisted shambles...
We need a new vehicle.
..which only needs a touch of attention here and there to bring it back to showroom condition.
You must be joking. It's totally past it.
When this was made, it was a time of quality workmanship.
There's a lifetime's service left in this hand-built example of the craftsman's skills.
Hey!
This should fit nicely under Howard's bedroom window.
Tailor-made.
Might not be too expensive, because Auntie seems to be
lying dead under the handcart.
Oh!
I hope it's nothing serious.
Is that Auntie underneath? It is.
I realise she wouldn't want an expensive funeral, but surely she should ride on top.
What does your Barry miss about missing his midlife crisis?
He's not sure. He just thinks he's bound to be missing something.
They never had such things in our time.
If they were feeling down, they just had a tablespoonful of stuff that worked like a drain rod...
and they were light on their feet again the next day.
Barry's sensitive.
He feels it's his right to have a deep emotional experience.
Tell him you've scratched his car.
I don't think he's ready for THAT deep.
Well, what is he ready for?
He knows people at work who went through a period when life seemed totally empty.
He thinks they've started talking about him because he's never felt life's totally empty.
I'm sure my husband never felt life was totally empty.
I should think he didn't, when he'd you in it.
I should think if anything it felt over-full.
I'm sure Travis never had a midlife crisis.
He'd have expected me to have it for him.
Does he rely on you for everything?
You must be very close.
To screaming sometimes.
But then,
you remember that nature's made him not like other men.
He's your husband.
Tell your Barry not to worry.
He's not alone.
My Howard's never had a midlife crisis.
Really?
Absolutely.
He's not finished with adolescence yet.
I think my neighbour's going funny.
He's started insulting my hats.
Well, yes, how funny can you get?
I bought one yesterday.
Something I rarely do but I couldn't resist it.
It's upstairs.
I'll fetch it.
Fancy me buying a hat.
You don't think it's a midlife crisis?
Howard! BILLY WHISTLES
Howard!
He'll be fast asleep...
dreaming of Marina or broad beans.
I'll wake him up.
Alternatively he could have had a heart attack on account of excessive
paper-scraping and be lying there clinging to life by a thread.
That theory comes to you from one of the strangest imaginations in the entire catchment area.
Just a gift.
We could be just in time to give him the kiss of life.
I think I'd sooner send him a get well card.
Wake up, you dozy beggar!
I'll wake you up, you dozy beggar!
It suits you better than me. I must have been mad.
Where's your Howard? He's out. I couldn't stand his long face one minute more,
so I threw him out.
I'll have to go, love, Travis'll be fretting. Oh.
LOUD CRASH
I'm glad the vicar talked you out of wanting a midlife crisis, Barry.
What did you learn from him?
I learned that vicars have more fun than you think.
Talk to me, Howard.
What's going through that thoughtful little head?
I've been meaning to ask you something.
Yes? Yes?
Do you think you could ever learn
to become really fond of broad beans?
BARKING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd